Wednesday, April 26, 2017
Infertility awareness
This week is infertility awareness week. My heart aches for so many people I know who struggle to get or remain pregnant. I honestly thought I would be likely to have issues with fertility. I had ovarian cysts and hormone imbalances as a teenager. I was on progesterone supplements and then birth control for years to try and fix it. Thankfully, I have had no issues so far with getting pregnant. I am so impressed by what so many do to be able to get their babies here, and the strength and courage it takes to wait and fight through the physical and emotional pain. I wonder why it is so easy for some and so so hard for others. I know several people who really would be the best parents I can ever imagine who have had to wait for years and are still waiting to be able to have a child of their own. It breaks my heart to see their pain, but it also makes me appreciate every single day of morning sickness. I appreciate the comfort of knowing I am sick because I still get to have this baby growing inside of me. I appreciate the aches and pains because my body is expanding. I appreciate the exhaustion as it is taking all of my energy to sustain this little life. I appreciate the mood swings because it means I have high enough hormone levels. It is worth it. It is ALWAYS worth it. So for my dear friends and family members who are struggling know that I love you and I am always praying for you. I hope that soon you get your miracle too.
Wednesday, April 19, 2017
Writing more.
So I have been feeling the urge to write more lately. Sometimes I realize that I just have a very different perspective from those around me and I just want to share some of those thoughts and experiences that changed me.
Some thoughts are spiritual, I live around a LOT of mormons, and I often feel like the odd one out as I tend to be a more liberal minded feminist (by the standards here, practically everywhere else I would still be considered fairly conservative, though definitely a feminist). and some are just about life (babies, mothering, working, etc.) I don't really anticipate many people reading what I write. But if something resonates with others I am definitely fine with it being shared.
My other blog clevercouture.com will continue to be there for all my sewing and refashioning projects which I will hopefully be better about sharing again once I am past this first trimester, but this one is my personal blog so that I can look back on things. Kind of a slightly less personal journal.
Today I have been thinking a lot about service. I have always felt this huge drive to serve others. I think most people get that feeling. As soon as your basic needs are met, you hope to be able to help others meet theirs too. One of the big reasons (there were many) I wanted to return to work was to develop my skills in a new way so that I could more effectively serve others both physically and monetarily. My husband and I don't need a lot to be happy, and both want to give back where we can. I have always felt that if I was trying to serve and do the right thing then God would help me achieve it. I've had some really great opportunities for service. My church really pushes service and the entire ministry is done through service. Only those who are in the highest presidencies who can no longer hold jobs are paid. I have always said yes to callings and some of them turned out better than others. Being too sick and pregnant to go to girls camp while being a camp director made me not so very helpful but the girls had lots of fun and told me all about it after! But being a Sunday school teacher was fun! I am much more comfortable being with the teenagers, I screwed up enough as a teen to relate, but not so much that I screwed up later life. Also while I was writing this one of the guys in the bishopric called for a meeting.... soooo basically I may have a new calling. However I don't just jump into saying yes. Honestly I turned down the last offer as I knew we would likely be moving in the next few months (it was in our last ward) and the class had already had two teacher changes. I told them the situation and asked them if they really wanted us. They gave the calling to a really sweet couple who put their all into it and loved those kids.... and who had bought their house so definitely weren't moving soon. Plus my last calling hadn't gone so hot so I really did enjoy having a break for awhile. I am not going to go into details, but sometimes the "easy callings" are the hardest. Fingers crossed it's a calling I can handle. I haven't made it through all 3 hours of church (really can they pleaseeee make it two?) since my morning sickness started up, since I am basically a sick log all morning even with medicine, so I am a tad nervous about being able to fulfill it. But I will pray about it and if I feel called to do it then I will do it.
Some thoughts are spiritual, I live around a LOT of mormons, and I often feel like the odd one out as I tend to be a more liberal minded feminist (by the standards here, practically everywhere else I would still be considered fairly conservative, though definitely a feminist). and some are just about life (babies, mothering, working, etc.) I don't really anticipate many people reading what I write. But if something resonates with others I am definitely fine with it being shared.
My other blog clevercouture.com will continue to be there for all my sewing and refashioning projects which I will hopefully be better about sharing again once I am past this first trimester, but this one is my personal blog so that I can look back on things. Kind of a slightly less personal journal.
Today I have been thinking a lot about service. I have always felt this huge drive to serve others. I think most people get that feeling. As soon as your basic needs are met, you hope to be able to help others meet theirs too. One of the big reasons (there were many) I wanted to return to work was to develop my skills in a new way so that I could more effectively serve others both physically and monetarily. My husband and I don't need a lot to be happy, and both want to give back where we can. I have always felt that if I was trying to serve and do the right thing then God would help me achieve it. I've had some really great opportunities for service. My church really pushes service and the entire ministry is done through service. Only those who are in the highest presidencies who can no longer hold jobs are paid. I have always said yes to callings and some of them turned out better than others. Being too sick and pregnant to go to girls camp while being a camp director made me not so very helpful but the girls had lots of fun and told me all about it after! But being a Sunday school teacher was fun! I am much more comfortable being with the teenagers, I screwed up enough as a teen to relate, but not so much that I screwed up later life. Also while I was writing this one of the guys in the bishopric called for a meeting.... soooo basically I may have a new calling. However I don't just jump into saying yes. Honestly I turned down the last offer as I knew we would likely be moving in the next few months (it was in our last ward) and the class had already had two teacher changes. I told them the situation and asked them if they really wanted us. They gave the calling to a really sweet couple who put their all into it and loved those kids.... and who had bought their house so definitely weren't moving soon. Plus my last calling hadn't gone so hot so I really did enjoy having a break for awhile. I am not going to go into details, but sometimes the "easy callings" are the hardest. Fingers crossed it's a calling I can handle. I haven't made it through all 3 hours of church (really can they pleaseeee make it two?) since my morning sickness started up, since I am basically a sick log all morning even with medicine, so I am a tad nervous about being able to fulfill it. But I will pray about it and if I feel called to do it then I will do it.
First Appointment
I had my first doctor's appointment with the obgyn! We got to see the baby's heartbeat which was strong and beautiful. Our cutie is about 5 days behind which I expected since my periods are 33 days typically instead of 28, so that makes the due date on Thanksgiving! I was nervous for my appointment and didn't eat enough soooo I ended up passing out after getting my blood drawn haha. I was fine and could walk out of there after a couple granola bars and some cold water. and they did take A LOT of blood, and I definitely shouldn't have peeked at how much it was, oops. The nurses were super nice and gave me good advice if I ever get feeling like that again. One of the nurses passed out with each of her pregnancies too so it was good to talk to her.
Today I am feeling better after some good sleep and cuddles with my little toddler :)
I am still morning sick but the unisom and B6 helps a ton!
Baths are my favorite time of day now cause it helps with the cramping and nausea.
The best part of this week though is that my baby is now a fetus instead of an embryo! That means the baby has all their major organs developed and now they just need to grow!
I am super grateful that this baby is growing so well. It's such a sweet miracle and I love to be apart of it. I remember one day awhile ago, I was thinking about pregnancy and I was nervous because I knew I wanted to have another baby soon, but I wasn't sure if I was up for it. But then the thought came into my mind "the greatest service you can do is to bring life to this world". It comforted me to realize that it is an act of service. It's hard but it is rewarding. It hasn't been easy, but it is so amazing to know what is happening inside of me! I already feel really attached to this little one.
Today I am feeling better after some good sleep and cuddles with my little toddler :)
I am still morning sick but the unisom and B6 helps a ton!
Baths are my favorite time of day now cause it helps with the cramping and nausea.
The best part of this week though is that my baby is now a fetus instead of an embryo! That means the baby has all their major organs developed and now they just need to grow!
I am super grateful that this baby is growing so well. It's such a sweet miracle and I love to be apart of it. I remember one day awhile ago, I was thinking about pregnancy and I was nervous because I knew I wanted to have another baby soon, but I wasn't sure if I was up for it. But then the thought came into my mind "the greatest service you can do is to bring life to this world". It comforted me to realize that it is an act of service. It's hard but it is rewarding. It hasn't been easy, but it is so amazing to know what is happening inside of me! I already feel really attached to this little one.
Sunday, April 9, 2017
8 weeks
I made it through a 20 hour in 4 day work week and managed not to get sick at work. I had to tell my boss this week as the morning sickness was starting to really get to me and I need to be kept on afternoon shifts till I get it totally under control. I called up the nurses at my obgyn and they suggested I start on B6 and unisom :) sooo here's hoping it works! I started the b6 saturday and it takes a bit of the edge off, but hopefully the unisom will help me sleep through the night instead of waking up nauseous a few times a night. I have still thankfully been able to eat well and keep it all down, just REALLY uncomfortable and have to lay down most mornings. and nights. But I feel so so blessed, because it reassures me that this tiny babe is still growing and that this miracle is really happening. Also, I have been able to have work to take my mind off it, I have had manageable symptoms and have been able to continue to care for my sweet boy every day (even if that means 2 hours of screen time during mommy's bad part of the day since he has mostly given up naps).
I currently DESPISE sugary sweet anything haha honey and dark chocolate and plain vanilla ice cream are still Kind of ok. but like m&ms, jelly beans, and my prenatal gummies make me gag. Basically I become even MORE picky while pregnant. I also can't stand my toothpaste. I eat apples after most foods because it helps get rid of the taste in my mouth. thank goodness for apples. Also I ate one of those frozen burritos yesterday and loved it. I am pretty sure I haven't had one of those since I was a teenager. Cravings are weird.
I told my sweet boy that I needed to lay down cause I wasn't feeling well the other day and he said "Baby tummy?" which was 100% accurate. growing a tiny human is lots of work, but the best kind of work. He also says the baby is a girl, but he wants it to be a boy, and that he also has a baby in his tummy too ;)
I am getting so excited for our first appointment! it is in just over a week from now :) We get to see one of my favorite doctors, who is a family friend. I always try to go to him for our big appointments. This week will be nice, not too many hours at work so hopefully I can finish up my application to school! Being in school is actually really nice once you hit that third trimester since it makes it so you don't have as much time to stress out.
I currently DESPISE sugary sweet anything haha honey and dark chocolate and plain vanilla ice cream are still Kind of ok. but like m&ms, jelly beans, and my prenatal gummies make me gag. Basically I become even MORE picky while pregnant. I also can't stand my toothpaste. I eat apples after most foods because it helps get rid of the taste in my mouth. thank goodness for apples. Also I ate one of those frozen burritos yesterday and loved it. I am pretty sure I haven't had one of those since I was a teenager. Cravings are weird.
I told my sweet boy that I needed to lay down cause I wasn't feeling well the other day and he said "Baby tummy?" which was 100% accurate. growing a tiny human is lots of work, but the best kind of work. He also says the baby is a girl, but he wants it to be a boy, and that he also has a baby in his tummy too ;)
I am getting so excited for our first appointment! it is in just over a week from now :) We get to see one of my favorite doctors, who is a family friend. I always try to go to him for our big appointments. This week will be nice, not too many hours at work so hopefully I can finish up my application to school! Being in school is actually really nice once you hit that third trimester since it makes it so you don't have as much time to stress out.
Saturday, April 1, 2017
7 weeks
So I found out I was pregnant a few weeks back. Admittedly I have been a bit nervous. I had been at my new job (which I love!) all of one week before I realized aunt flo was late and took a couple of VERY quickly positive dollar store tests. But despite the nausea, I have actually been doing really well! Better than last time. No spotting or bleeding, no rushed early doctors visits where they tried not to get my hopes up because I had a 50% chance of miscarriage. This time I don't have a doctors visit till I am 9ish weeks!
The most hilarious symptom so far is my crazy dreams! Pretty sure it's the nerves, but some of them are so funny. One night I dreamed I had dinner with Pres. Trump and his family and they kept trying to convince me that they were awesome and I was like "idk I just still don't like you very much". Another dream involved me and my boys time traveling to the 50's and the 20's (Pretty sure that was midnight in Paris inspired)
At first I was simply more hungry, but now it's getting to the more nausea stage (lasted about till 14 weeks with William, and wasn't too terrible the first trimester), and textures of certain foods gross me out. I kept gagging when I thought of sausage the other day. Thankfully Bradley ate all the leftovers with the sausage from the night before, and then cleaned the pan for me :) cause like I could not deal with it. I ended up going to talk to the pharmacist at fresh market and got help with snack plans and finding some seriously strong ginger soda. As well as some possible meals to help calm things down (lemongrass soup! yum) and a lot of gatorade to keep extra hydrated when I get tired of water in the day. I usually drink a lot but now I need to drink even more so it can be hard to keep up with it all! I have found though that it helps if I drink my water bottle when I first wake up in the morning, sipping it while I wake up and make breakfast.
I have also been soooo tired. I have thankfully been able to plan in a nap nearly every day, because I am absolutely desperate for one.
I have been keeping up with work and it really helps keep my mind focused on anything but my nausea which is a welcome relief! I have only had it bad at work once, where it was a bit touch and go on whether I would need to run to the bathroom or at least a trash can. Anytime I lift too much I get nauseous so I have to watch it a bit and I had lifted some pretty heavy clocks to hang up on the wall. But managed to get through and rewarded myself with a coke that night! Hadn't had a coke, or caffeine in months so it was super nice and kept me awake enough to get my kid to bed ;) cause I feel like going to bed myself by his bedtime most nights.
Today I am about 7 weeks and it is finally starting to feel real. I feel good about this, and extremely grateful. When the nausea hits I just look at my sweet boy and I know how worth it every second of discomfort is and I feel prepared to do it all again. I have had a lot of conversations in prayer for the past few months, and I have known that things won't be in my timing but that everything will be worth it if I can just believe and push forward. So I have been trusting. This week I have been working on my application to start school back up fall semester. I joked with my husband that it was just one degree per baby. But I really do feel that all will be ok. I feel strengthened even on my weak days. Work, and school, and another child to our little family sometimes seem like an overwhelming amount of responsibility, but then I look at it one step at a time, and I know I can do it. I have done impossible things before. I am strong enough to do it, and it is the right thing to do. Bradley has been incredibly supportive and excited for all the life changes with me. I know it is going to be hard, but nothing worthwhile has ever been easy. I look back on my hardest moments and those are truly what brought me the most joy in the end, and I have hope for the future. Going back to school a week after giving birth, averaging between 4 and 6 hours of sleep (not consecutively most days), and then leaving on a plane to Peru were all extremely hard, but some of the happiest and most rewarding days of my life. I am more than willing to fight to get that feeling more often.
I know this has been a novel but there is one last thought I wanted to share, a quote by Elder Jeffrey R. Holland "My testimony... is that nothing in this universe is more important to Him than your hopes and dreams." and I have felt that. There was nothing wrong with being a stay at home mom, but it didn't really align completely with all I wanted to do. I asked for a way to find more fulfillment and I got an answer to go back to work and school. I still get tons of time with my sweet boy, but now I appreciate it and love when I am home. Heavenly Father has been helping me find and take the next steps and see the possibilities. I have no idea what the future will hold, but when I ask to be able to work hard and well, I am given the opportunities and I am learning to take them. I have dreams of what I want to do, and I feel really strongly that I can make them into reality if I keep things in perspective.
The most hilarious symptom so far is my crazy dreams! Pretty sure it's the nerves, but some of them are so funny. One night I dreamed I had dinner with Pres. Trump and his family and they kept trying to convince me that they were awesome and I was like "idk I just still don't like you very much". Another dream involved me and my boys time traveling to the 50's and the 20's (Pretty sure that was midnight in Paris inspired)
At first I was simply more hungry, but now it's getting to the more nausea stage (lasted about till 14 weeks with William, and wasn't too terrible the first trimester), and textures of certain foods gross me out. I kept gagging when I thought of sausage the other day. Thankfully Bradley ate all the leftovers with the sausage from the night before, and then cleaned the pan for me :) cause like I could not deal with it. I ended up going to talk to the pharmacist at fresh market and got help with snack plans and finding some seriously strong ginger soda. As well as some possible meals to help calm things down (lemongrass soup! yum) and a lot of gatorade to keep extra hydrated when I get tired of water in the day. I usually drink a lot but now I need to drink even more so it can be hard to keep up with it all! I have found though that it helps if I drink my water bottle when I first wake up in the morning, sipping it while I wake up and make breakfast.
I have also been soooo tired. I have thankfully been able to plan in a nap nearly every day, because I am absolutely desperate for one.
I have been keeping up with work and it really helps keep my mind focused on anything but my nausea which is a welcome relief! I have only had it bad at work once, where it was a bit touch and go on whether I would need to run to the bathroom or at least a trash can. Anytime I lift too much I get nauseous so I have to watch it a bit and I had lifted some pretty heavy clocks to hang up on the wall. But managed to get through and rewarded myself with a coke that night! Hadn't had a coke, or caffeine in months so it was super nice and kept me awake enough to get my kid to bed ;) cause I feel like going to bed myself by his bedtime most nights.
Today I am about 7 weeks and it is finally starting to feel real. I feel good about this, and extremely grateful. When the nausea hits I just look at my sweet boy and I know how worth it every second of discomfort is and I feel prepared to do it all again. I have had a lot of conversations in prayer for the past few months, and I have known that things won't be in my timing but that everything will be worth it if I can just believe and push forward. So I have been trusting. This week I have been working on my application to start school back up fall semester. I joked with my husband that it was just one degree per baby. But I really do feel that all will be ok. I feel strengthened even on my weak days. Work, and school, and another child to our little family sometimes seem like an overwhelming amount of responsibility, but then I look at it one step at a time, and I know I can do it. I have done impossible things before. I am strong enough to do it, and it is the right thing to do. Bradley has been incredibly supportive and excited for all the life changes with me. I know it is going to be hard, but nothing worthwhile has ever been easy. I look back on my hardest moments and those are truly what brought me the most joy in the end, and I have hope for the future. Going back to school a week after giving birth, averaging between 4 and 6 hours of sleep (not consecutively most days), and then leaving on a plane to Peru were all extremely hard, but some of the happiest and most rewarding days of my life. I am more than willing to fight to get that feeling more often.
I know this has been a novel but there is one last thought I wanted to share, a quote by Elder Jeffrey R. Holland "My testimony... is that nothing in this universe is more important to Him than your hopes and dreams." and I have felt that. There was nothing wrong with being a stay at home mom, but it didn't really align completely with all I wanted to do. I asked for a way to find more fulfillment and I got an answer to go back to work and school. I still get tons of time with my sweet boy, but now I appreciate it and love when I am home. Heavenly Father has been helping me find and take the next steps and see the possibilities. I have no idea what the future will hold, but when I ask to be able to work hard and well, I am given the opportunities and I am learning to take them. I have dreams of what I want to do, and I feel really strongly that I can make them into reality if I keep things in perspective.
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