20 Weeks Halfway there!

Woooo halfway thereeeeee! Baby is kicking like crazy these days and growing for sure!

Baby is about the size of a banana now, reacts to loud noises, likes to kick a lot, and is going to DOUBLE in size over the next month. Crazy to think there is only about 4 and a half months till this little one's due date.

I have been having heartburn like crazy, serious growing pains, very hungry, and still a little morning sick. I had to ice my back for a few hours on Saturday cause I overdid it and started cramping hard. But everything is fine, I just have to cut back whenever I start feeling cramps and back pain and start doing more yoga.

This past week has been fun though, my brother and his family came into town and we had a blast playing all week!!! William is seriously missing his cousins now and has a cold so we are resting up and catching up on chores.

The bump is slowly starting to pop out a bit and I love seeing it grow! Also watching my baby roll around in there and the little kicks.

17 Weeks

still tired much of the time and nausea is still off and on (definitely not quitting unisom and b6 for awhile still) but there have been some good things this week!

Bradley felt the baby move for the first time on Monday morning!! This baby kicks often and is very strong and close to the surface so they have been noticeable from the outside for a few weeks but are getting a lot more consistent. I feel the baby almost every morning when I first wake up when I am still in bed, cuddling before naptime or bedtime, and several random times throughout the day.  I love feeling baby G swimming around in there! Baby was moving a TON during all the fight scenes in wonderwoman

I FINALLY finished my college application for interior design school!!! IN related news I thought I was gonna puke in my final interview tonight. Awesome. But I didn't, which is the important thing. I did however have a panic attack because my transcripts from community college were supposed to get there 3 weeks ago... turns out they had just sent under my maiden name so it was all taken care of. but I REALLY didn't want to pay more money with a possibility of the mail losing it possibly again.

My favorite foods this week are mcdonalds cheeseburgers, hotdogs (of course), movie theatre popcorn which is more magical and delicious than normal popcorn, W and I downed a large before we even got halfway through our movie this week, and the quiche I made for dinner tonight that was sooo dang good! I didn't use a recipe so luckily it turned out, and I made homemade pie crust which always tastes better. Bradley loved it :) and chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream, tillamook is the best brand of that

16 weeks!

This past week was so so great! I was able to really shift my attitude, and I started feeling baby moving a lot more which really helped too. I managed 3 whole workdays including one with extra hours since it got crazy busy. I had much more energy and only one really down day. I went to the temple to pray and read my scriptures daily to put me in a much better frame of mind and I honestly think that was the biggest help as it eased my anxiety and gave me peace.

We have our annual canyon pass now! and we bought a hammock which I am sooooo excited to hang in this week! William is up for all the canyon adventures and they are the best thing to do while pregnant. I just get to chill and cook and eat and just enjoy nature for awhile. It took me so long to really appreciate living in the mountains, but now that I learned the art of relaxing and cooking hotdogs on a fire life is good. I think I just don't actually like hiking lol I am much more of a leisurely walk and short hike kinda person with kids. Basically if a toddler would like it so will I! William and I spend time throwing rocks, finding bugs, and looking for animals and it's perfect. We even did an impromptu canyon evening Saturday when I got off work an hour early! So fun :)

We have names picked out for both a boy and a girl now! I refer to the baby as the boy name I have in my head most of the time. I will just think it's a boy unless they show me it's a girl in 4 weeks when we get our anatomy scan. I am scheduling that today!!!!!! Honestly I am just so happy to be this far along.

My cravings are starting to hit a little more and this baby is NOT a health nut like William was! This time I want hot dogs and chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream. But I do still love avocados and eggs just like with William! Also this baby LOVES rice and beans, I feel like I could eat those every day! I'm not nearly as interested in meat as with my first, fish is gross, and I'm not as big of a salad eater. I do sneak in loads of vegetables though since I definitely believe in eating as healthy as you can, though it is definitely ok to have hot dogs and ice cream a couple times a week! I feel like baby needs all the calories so as long as most of them are good I don't mind an extra 500 that are a little less "good for you" in a day. I am still not gaining super fast which is normal for me. I gained slow and steady with my last and was averaging 1-2 lbs a week the second half.

My sciatica is acting up some, and starting on the round ligament pain. But honestly, feeling the baby makes everything so worth it. Baby kicked me so hard yesterday that I thought Bradley had poked me! I seriously love the little rolls and kicks in there. I can feel them on the outside now.

Today is my 16 week appointment and I am excited to hear the heartbeat! It's been 4 weeks since my last appointment so it is always nice to get that little extra reassurance each month.

This weeks goal is to start my workouts back up! I will make them easy, but I definitely need to get my squat count back up and stretch out with some yoga so I am more comfortable. I was honestly just too sick till this past week to even consider working out, so I am excited to have a little more energy to get some more activity in!

15 weeks

Well I have made it another week. I am still morning sick. Still exhausted. And my back hurts.
Starting to get frustrated that I am not feeling closer to feeling any better. Depression definitely settled in slightly this week. BUT I'm going to make it through this. I have a fun summer planned, and I only have to send off one more thing for my college application. I can f***ing do this. I kind of forgot how bad I had it with my last pregnancy. I pretty much spent till 17ish weeks sleeping and resting and eating and doing occasional craft projects or reading to pass my time because I felt like crap. So yeah, this shouldn't have been a total shock that I am not doing so hot right now. In the grand scheme of things pregnancy is only 9 months and I freaking rock the newborn mommy stage. I just need to make it through about 5 more months. However, I am already making videos to myself so my hormonally high non pregnant self doesn't get any crazy ideas about having more kids anytime soon ;) we are talking a 5 year minimum between now and the next baby. Bradley will need that time to recover from all my hormonal outbursts anyway. But seriously 5 YEARS between this one and more babies. cause I need to finish school and do some stuff before I take on something like this again. Holy Cow. I admire all those people who really love pregnancy. I Really love my babies, and I am willing to do this for them, but man pregnancy is one of the hardest things I have been through physically and mentally and honestly I am still amazed I am even open to doing this again one day still. One day when both of my kids are in school and there is a chance that america will finally have some decent maternity leave policies.

Yesterday I asked one of my coworkers if she could cover for me for an hour or two so I could try and get rid of a headache. She called and told me she had been thinking about me today and would take my whole shift if I wanted. I started bawling. um yeah hormones are a trip. But seriously it was so nice. I am cutting my hours back after next week to only one day a week, which sucks cause less money for school, but at least I am trying to do what I can and continue working instead of quitting. I really didn't anticipate finding out I was pregnant a week after starting this job and I am proud of myself for not quitting when I am an emotional ball of hormones.

This weeks goals include, making it through the dang week without quitting my job due to being overwhelmed. Eating all the food. Not puking. starting yoga so my back gets better. toss in some self care in there if I get the chance. Survival.

I honestly know I should be more grateful, I am not totally bedridden, my baby is actually doing really well, and William has been a complete sweetheart. I am just getting worn down. Hopefully this next week will bring some much needed joy and a better perspective. Plus in about a month I get the 20 week ultrasound!!! Seeing the baby always helps me feel a whole lot better and more pregnant instead of just sick. So there is that to look forward to soon!


Ok one last thing, this whole week I have been craving bologna and pickle sandwiches and have eaten at least 6 of them! This would normally gross me out entirely but omg it is soooo good right now.

14 weeks

Hello Second Trimester!!!!!
I am starting to have some GOOD days! still getting heartburn, and some days I am morning sick but its not all the time now!

I am starting to look a little pregnant even in the morning nowadays! I kind of love it. My belly button has already started to pop out all the way :)

I am superrrrrr hungry nowadays! This weekends craving has been bologna and pickle sandwiches. I have had 3 and they were all delicious. Also loving some cheesecake, breakfast bars, and rice and bean soup! It feels so good to have my appetite back in full force again.

Going to try a few heartburn remedies this week so hopefully something works well, since I crave a lot of spicier food this pregnancy ;)

I finished the second book of the stormlight archives by Brandon Sanderson today, so so good. I think my next books will be my yearly reading of the Great Gatsby, and then reread Harry Potter, and start working more on my summer reading list! Reading really helps lessen my anxiety and focus on the now.

11 weeks

Well I am at 11 weeks 4 days now! I had one really good day where I was only mildly nauseous and was able to enjoy a little getaway with my amazing husband! Tomorrow is our 5 year anniversary!!!! On our second anniversary we were already pregnant with our first but just didn't know it yet.

I'm still crazy nauseous some days, and dizziness often goes with the waves of nausea, which is super fun. But my nails look fantastic right now ;) and thankfully I have this week mostly off of work since I was planning to go down with my husband for Ragnar. I decided against going though cause four hour drive each way with windy roads and then bad anxiety cause I suck at camping (I try to be outdoorsy but it does NOT come naturally to me) seemed a little too stressful and I figured I could be more supportive by Not being there stressing out my awesome husband the whole time ;) He really does not expect me to camp because he knows how much I dislike it. My version of camping involves cabins, lots of food, and occasional nature walks. So basically not camping haha. I love being in the mountains, doing short hikes, and having bonfires with food though. So hubs and I are gonna have some good little firepit dinners this summer up the canyon and he will take our son (who basically turns into toddler Rambo) camping without me :) I think it's a great plan. I may join them at some point if I feel like I really want to, but I am trying this new thing where I don't just force myself to do things because I SHOULD like it. I don't have to like everything my family likes. They can camp and I can take a nice long bath and read for 6 hours straight, everybody is happy! I try not to let anxiety get in the way so I had gotten in the habit of just doing everything anyways even if it made me anxious, which isn't a bad thing... but some things I now recognize that I just don't really enjoy and it's ok to not always do those things. I'm not medicated right now, the medication stopped being as effective as my coping methods were when I was pregnant the first time. SO after talking to my doctors I went off meds and started just doing my methods to reduce anxiety. Yoga, writing, talking, reading, mindfulness, and praying. I have to keep up with things otherwise anxiety rears it's ugly head. and it is HARD sometimes. I tried going back on the medication but it didn't help much and I had an ovarian cyst burst when I was trying to adjust and I became an utter mess for a bit. I just didn't feel right on it and had to stop after a month. So I am trying to get better about my coping strategies again to handle pregnancy well. I've only called my husband freaking out a handful of times the past 11 weeks which is kind of actually really good for me during a stressful time. I've only called my doctors twice (just to get recommendations for anti nausea meds which I take every night, and to schedule a regular appointment).  So this week I start up yoga to hopefully help with anxiety, blood circulation and the ligament pain I have been having. If i get real lucky it may even help with the exhaustion and heartburn!

I'm still not showing at all (not surprising) so no photos this week. But I did announce on social media this week! I had gotten off work early cause nausea and dizzy spells were making it hard to stand (baby is definitely having a big growth spurt right now!) and I just needed something happy, so I told everyone :) It just feels good not to hide it. I would end up telling people if anything happened this far along anyways. But judging by my symptoms I am currently doing ok. As hard as it is, I still am glad I feel all the symptoms.

Infertility awareness

This week is infertility awareness week. My heart aches for so many people I know who struggle to get or remain pregnant. I honestly thought I would be likely to have issues with fertility. I had ovarian cysts and hormone imbalances as a teenager. I was on progesterone supplements and then birth control for years to try and fix it. Thankfully, I have had no issues so far with getting pregnant. I am so impressed by what so many do to be able to get their babies here, and the strength and courage it takes to wait and fight through the physical and emotional pain. I wonder why it is so easy for some and so so hard for others. I know several people who really would be the best parents I can ever imagine who have had to wait for years and are still waiting to be able to have a child of their own. It breaks my heart to see their pain, but it also makes me appreciate every single day of morning sickness. I appreciate the comfort of knowing I am sick because I still get to have this baby growing inside of me. I appreciate the aches and pains because my body is expanding. I appreciate the exhaustion as it is taking all of my energy to sustain this little life. I appreciate the mood swings because it means I have high enough hormone levels. It is worth it. It is ALWAYS worth it. So for my dear friends and family members who are struggling know that I love you and I am always praying for you. I hope that soon you get your miracle too.

Writing more.

So I have been feeling the urge to write more lately. Sometimes I realize that I just have a very different perspective from those around me and I just want to share some of those thoughts and experiences that changed me.

Some thoughts are spiritual, I live around a LOT of mormons, and I often feel like the odd one out as I tend to be a more liberal minded feminist (by the standards here, practically everywhere else I would still be considered fairly conservative, though definitely a feminist). and some are just about life (babies, mothering, working, etc.) I don't really anticipate many people reading what I write. But if something resonates with others I am definitely fine with it being shared.

My other blog clevercouture.com will continue to be there for all my sewing and refashioning projects which I will hopefully be better about sharing again once I am past this first trimester, but this one is my personal blog so that I can look back on things. Kind of a slightly less personal journal.

Today I have been thinking a lot about service. I have always felt this huge drive to serve others. I think most people get that feeling. As soon as your basic needs are met, you hope to be able to help others meet theirs too. One of the big reasons (there were many) I wanted to return to work was to develop my skills in a new way so that I could more effectively serve others both physically and monetarily. My husband and I don't need a lot to be happy, and both want to give back where we can. I have always felt that if I was trying to serve and do the right thing then God would help me achieve it. I've had some really great opportunities for service. My church really pushes service and the entire ministry is done through service. Only those who are in the highest presidencies who can no longer hold jobs are paid. I have always said yes to callings and some of them turned out better than others. Being too sick and pregnant to go to girls camp while being a camp director made me not so very helpful but the girls had lots of fun and told me all about it after! But being a Sunday school teacher was fun! I am much more comfortable being with the teenagers, I screwed up enough as a teen to relate, but not so much that I screwed up later life. Also while I was writing this one of the guys in the bishopric called for a meeting.... soooo basically I may have a new calling. However I don't just jump into saying yes. Honestly I turned down the last offer as I knew we would likely be moving in the next few months (it was in our last ward) and the class had already had two teacher changes. I told them the situation and asked them if they really wanted us. They gave the calling to a really sweet couple who put their all into it and loved those kids.... and who had bought their house so definitely weren't moving soon. Plus my last calling hadn't gone so hot so I really did enjoy having a break for awhile. I am not going to go into details, but sometimes the "easy callings" are the hardest. Fingers crossed it's a calling I can handle. I haven't made it through all 3 hours of church (really can they pleaseeee make it two?) since my morning sickness started up, since I am basically a sick log all morning even with medicine, so I am a tad nervous about being able to fulfill it. But I will pray about it and if I feel called to do it then I will do it.            

First Appointment

I had my first doctor's appointment with the obgyn! We got to see the baby's heartbeat which was strong and beautiful. Our cutie is about 5 days behind which I expected since my periods are 33 days typically instead of 28, so that makes the due date on Thanksgiving! I was nervous for my appointment and didn't eat enough soooo I ended up passing out after getting my blood drawn haha. I was fine and could walk out of there after a couple granola bars and some cold water. and they did take A LOT of blood, and I definitely shouldn't have peeked at how much it was, oops. The nurses were super nice and gave me good advice if I ever get feeling like that again. One of the nurses passed out with each of her pregnancies too so it was good to talk to her.

Today I am feeling better after some good sleep and cuddles with my little toddler :)
I am still morning sick but the unisom and B6 helps a ton!
Baths are my favorite time of day now cause it helps with the cramping and nausea.

The best part of this week though is that my baby is now a fetus instead of an embryo! That means the baby has all their major organs developed and now they just need to grow!

I am super grateful that this baby is growing so well. It's such a sweet miracle and I love to be apart of it. I remember one day awhile ago, I was thinking about pregnancy and I was nervous because I knew I wanted to have another baby soon, but I wasn't sure if I was up for it. But then the thought came into my mind "the greatest service you can do is to bring life to this world". It comforted me to realize that it is an act of service. It's hard but it is rewarding. It hasn't been easy, but it is so amazing to know what is happening inside of me! I already feel really attached to this little one.

8 weeks

I made it through a 20 hour in 4 day work week and managed not to get sick at work. I had to tell my boss this week as the morning sickness was starting to really get to me and I need to be kept on afternoon shifts till I get it totally under control. I called up the nurses at my obgyn and they suggested I start on B6 and unisom :) sooo here's hoping it works! I started the b6 saturday and it takes a bit of the edge off, but hopefully the unisom will help me sleep through the night instead of waking up nauseous a few times a night. I have still thankfully been able to eat well and keep it all down, just REALLY uncomfortable and have to lay down most mornings. and nights. But I feel so so blessed, because it reassures me that this tiny babe is still growing and that this miracle is really happening. Also, I have been able to have work to take my mind off it, I have had manageable symptoms and have been able to continue to care for my sweet boy every day (even if that means 2 hours of screen time during mommy's bad part of the day since he has mostly given up naps).

I currently DESPISE sugary sweet anything haha honey and dark chocolate and plain vanilla ice cream are still Kind of ok. but like m&ms, jelly beans, and my prenatal gummies make me gag. Basically I become even MORE picky while pregnant. I also can't stand my toothpaste. I eat apples after most foods because it helps get rid of the taste in my mouth. thank goodness for apples. Also I ate one of those frozen burritos yesterday and loved it. I am pretty sure I haven't had one of those since I was a teenager. Cravings are weird.

I told my sweet boy that I needed to lay down cause I wasn't feeling well the other day and he said "Baby tummy?" which was 100% accurate. growing a tiny human is lots of work, but the best kind of work. He also says the baby is a girl, but he wants it to be a boy, and that he also has a baby in his tummy too ;)

I am getting so excited for our first appointment! it is in just over a week from now :) We get to see one of my favorite doctors, who is a family friend. I always try to go to him for our big appointments. This week will be nice, not too many hours at work so hopefully I can finish up my application to school! Being in school is actually really nice once you hit that third trimester since it makes it so you don't have as much time to stress out.

7 weeks

So I found out I was pregnant a few weeks back. Admittedly I have been a bit nervous. I had been at my new job (which I love!) all of one week before I realized aunt flo was late and took a couple of VERY quickly positive dollar store tests. But despite the nausea, I have actually been doing really well! Better than last time. No spotting or bleeding, no rushed early doctors visits where they tried not to get my hopes up because I had a 50% chance of  miscarriage. This time I don't have a doctors visit till I am 9ish weeks!
The most hilarious symptom so far is my crazy dreams! Pretty sure it's the nerves, but some of them are so funny. One night I dreamed I had dinner with Pres. Trump and his family and they kept trying to convince me that they were awesome and I was like "idk I just still don't like you very much". Another dream involved me and my boys time traveling to the 50's and the 20's (Pretty sure that was midnight in Paris inspired)
At first I was simply more hungry, but now it's getting to the more nausea stage (lasted about till 14 weeks with William, and wasn't too terrible the first trimester), and textures of certain foods gross me out. I kept gagging when I thought of sausage the other day. Thankfully Bradley ate all the leftovers with the sausage from the night before, and then cleaned the pan for me :) cause like I could not deal with it. I ended up going to talk to the pharmacist at fresh market and got help with snack plans and finding some seriously strong ginger soda. As well as some possible meals to help calm things down (lemongrass soup! yum) and a lot of gatorade to keep extra hydrated when I get tired of water in the day. I usually drink a lot but now I need to drink even more so it can be hard to keep up with it all! I have found though that it helps if I drink my water bottle when I first wake up in the morning, sipping it while I wake up and make breakfast.
I have also been soooo tired. I have thankfully been able to plan in a nap nearly every day, because I am absolutely desperate for one.
I have been keeping up with work and it really helps keep my mind focused on anything but my nausea which is a welcome relief! I have only had it bad at work once, where it was a bit touch and go on whether I would need to run to the bathroom or at least a trash can. Anytime I lift too much I get nauseous so I have to watch it a bit and I had lifted some pretty heavy clocks to hang up on the wall. But managed to get through and rewarded myself with a coke that night! Hadn't had a coke, or caffeine in months so it was super nice and kept me awake enough to get my kid to bed ;) cause I feel like going to bed myself by his bedtime most nights.

Today I am about 7 weeks and it is finally starting to feel real. I feel good about this, and extremely grateful. When the nausea hits I just look at my sweet boy and I know how worth it every second of discomfort is and I feel prepared to do it all again. I have had a lot of conversations in prayer for the past few months, and I have known that things won't be in my timing but that everything will be worth it if I can just believe and push forward. So I have been trusting. This week I have been working on my application to start school back up fall semester. I joked with my husband that it was just one degree per baby. But I really do feel that all will be ok. I feel strengthened even on my weak days. Work, and school, and another child to our little family sometimes seem like an overwhelming amount of responsibility, but then I look at it one step at a time, and I know I can do it. I have done impossible things before. I am strong enough to do it, and it is the right thing to do. Bradley has been incredibly supportive and excited for all the life changes with me. I know it is going to be hard, but nothing worthwhile has ever been easy. I look back on my hardest moments and those are truly what brought me the most joy in the end, and I have hope for the future. Going back to school a week after giving birth, averaging between 4 and 6 hours of sleep (not consecutively most days), and then leaving on a plane to Peru were all extremely hard, but some of the happiest and most rewarding days of my life. I am more than willing to fight to get that feeling more often.

I know this has been a novel but there is one last thought I wanted to share, a quote by Elder Jeffrey R. Holland "My testimony... is that nothing in this universe is more important to Him than your hopes and dreams." and I have felt that. There was nothing wrong with being a stay at home mom, but it didn't really align completely with all I wanted to do. I asked for a way to find more fulfillment and I got an answer to go back to work and school. I still get tons of time with my sweet boy, but now I appreciate it and love when I am home. Heavenly Father has been helping me find and take the next steps and see the possibilities. I have no idea what the future will hold, but when I ask to be able to work hard and well, I am given the opportunities and I am learning to take them. I have dreams of what I want to do, and I feel really strongly that I can make them into reality if I keep things in perspective.